Okay….the only way this is going to happen is to sit down and start writing.  So, here I am.

Yesterday, I decided the title of my book should be “All Fucked Up”.  Today, this chapter would be “A Bit less fucked-up”

I feel stupid. I have worked hard to create an amazing career in real estate but my lack of business ability and fiscally irresponsible..or should I say lack of fiscal focus has left me at 61 feeling ill-prepared for what, based on my mother’s longevity, could be anoter 30 years.  But, if I had thought thirty years ago today my life would have played out as it has, I would have been shocked. Three children, not a penny to my name..on the verge of a nightmare divorce from a man who had shattered my fairytale world, it never would have occurred to me.  Maybe I can just start now and thirty years from now, look back and say wow…that last 30 year stretch wasn’t so bad.

“Do what makes you happy.”  Well, I am not happy.  I am not you stereotype real estate agent.  I don’t count transactions.  I just work with people I like and eventually close on properties.  Most of my clients love me.  Except the ones who don’t.  I love most of my clients,  Except the one I don’t.

It is exhausting. I have given up family time, vacations, trips and enjoyment for this career.  I don’t sleep and I am on call all the time.  I have gone through assistants and it has not worked.  For two reasons:  I am a control monster who won’t delegate… and the assistants want to be me….not my assistants.

I am tired cranky and unavailable to date…ughhh

Today, I will officially blame my mother, who despite resistance to the accusation, once told me that I had no artistic talent…that my sister had gotten it all.  That was where it all started.

So, here I am. Frustrated, mind spinning with ideas…wanting to create, design, paint, write…sometimes I wish I could even act…maybe join local theaters…. I know one thing. I need to do something else.  This is killing my soul. What keeps me from plunging into new territory?  FEAR?  Fear of what?   What do I fear?