It makes me happy to come to the rescue of others. To take care of others.  To find solutions, give suggestions or sacrifice my needs to meet those of others.  Children. Grandchildren. Clients. Friends.  OR DOES IT?

Most days I worry.  I fret. I am irritated and feel as though my work is never done. Of course it isn’t!  I am tying to save the world at the cost of finding peace within myself. Along the way, my saving, solving and suggesting illicit negative responses from my adult children, to name a few “resisters”. They are annoyed, indignant and ungrateful.  It doesn’t help our relationships. It creates distance and tension. It festers a gap between us.  And then, we have another problem. Another thing for me to solve.

Until the last few years, despite intermittent binges with self-help books and therapy, I wasn’t getting it.  I would ask myself what is wrong? Why don’t they listen to me? Why don’t they take my suggestions?  Why are they so crabby?

Last week, I was on the phone with my middle son who is married, has two children, a wife and lives in the Southeast.  They have several homes, a dog and  demanding but fruitful careers.  They are well-educated and live a very busy life.  They are good people, great parents and have a loyal friends and an active social life.  They exercise and eat well. And, on most Sundays, they even attend church.

Each July they come to Maine for a week and that time is quickly approaching.  William mentioned  that he and his wife may like to drive to the White Mountains to hike and spend a night or two when they come at the end of the month. I immediately responded, ” You don’t want to do that!  You want to be at the beach.”  He said, ( and this is the one child with whom I rarely argue, talk to often and share things whether work or play related.)  His immediate retort was, “Don’t tell me what I want to do.”

It stopped me in my tracks.  It was an epiphany of sorts. OF COURSE I SHOULDN’T TELL HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DO!!!  I AM ME.  I AM NOT HIM!!!!

Like a bolt of lightening … an explosion… a meteor strike.  There it was one conversation.  One response. And, I do believe it opened my eyes more than anything I have ever experience.

In trying to help, suggest, save and care for others, I have been on a self path of control. A  path that has and is only serving to leave me always a little bit empty, unfilled, never satisfied.. In what in my heart was love and concern, really is a combination or two things: Controlling others and not paying attention my own needs, taking care of myself.

The problem with my sleepless nights and frustrated days is that I have taken on the task of “saving the world”.    While a noble undertaking one would think . However, it is based on all the wrong things. And, how can I save the world?  First, I must save myself and then, in doing so, I will realize it is not my job to save the world.  Others need to save themselves….How arrogant and silly to think I could be the savior of all!

I haven’t “arrived”.  The habits will be difficult to break.  But, the journey has begun.